Dearest madam,
It’s March already and the fire
danger is high—dead growth, old
winter, dry wind and etc.  So tomorrow
I’ll marry you. With water
we can ease the shock
of transplant. Sunflowers
and nightshade for you, if you wish,
radishes. We’ll thin our lives to their
strongest points. Good things will swing
toward us broad-hipped as cellos.
The long evenings will crumple
in our four fists like receipts
for small purchases.
- E

Oh, hello there,
I sorrowed much
to hear of
your vast affection. Physicians
say there is no
known cure.
Except maybe the
old wives’ remedy:
salt on your heels, red
cabbage in your armpit
(left or right), 30 years between
the walls of your father’s
house, eating red beans,
reading only reviews of new
appliances by a narrow crack
of light.
- P

BB Wolf:

Since you're gone I've been writing to you more, and it is now obvious that we don't actually talk about anything when we are together. and I have never been able to admit it but your looks do bother me. You have big teeth and freaky eyes. And a big nose. I can't really think when I am around you. I feel like you're going to eat me. You'd be popular among Twilight fans. 
How is Alice doing? God. I can't believe you're doing Alice. She's half as tall as you. 
Just now there was a giant thunder clap and it made me think of you. Some people might say it's romantic but you should know that the only thing it means is that I blanch when you enter the room.
So, good thing you're not here. 
My garden is doing moderately well. Last week my flowers were not so hot because I forgot to water them. And then my virtual garden pretty much died because I accidentally hit erase. 
Ok, well, talk to you later I guess.

Little Red.

Hippomenes,

we are out of golden apples, boy, Herakles took the last batch and we saw no point in making more. times are hard, boy, materials are dear, the gold is better spent on toothpicks and letter openers. no one wants an apple that you cannot eat.

so to win a fast huntswoman, there are a few things you may do for under $10. braid her hair. whip her dogs. feed her to the giraffe at the zoo (suggested donation $4). gum will sticky up the track, but your jaws will ache from chewing it.

another thought. have you ever had an artichoke? related to the thistle. it will sting sharp through her sandles, and such a queer-looking flower! she may chase it anyway, though it is just green. $4 or 5 for $15. a real bargain. (discount miracles not guaranteed successful) but you can steam for an hour and dip in butter and scrape apart each leaf.

& some women react favorably to being compared to choke-smothered hearts.

cheers, and let us know how it goes. will make a great story for the web site if you succeed. vegetables unite worthy suitor and king's daughter in failing economy. take lots of pictures!

all the best,
the Hesperides